There’s this feeling in me and I really can’t describe it. It’s something unspoken. Like an anger that I just can’t get rid of even with apologies. I think it’s because I got over the whole ordeal by going through sadness and then straight to forgiveness and then moving forward. I skipped the anger stage altogether. Before everyone go on a full Dr. Phil on me, I thought skipping through the anger was and is still a good move. Circumstances though, is trying damn hard to prove me wrong.
I met a few of my girlfriends over the weekend and boy was that a good long awaited catch-up. All the girls knew the ex through all our social gatherings but as we all know, girls talk about everything and when it comes to me, I’m an open book especially when it comes to my life. These girls know what happened in the 2.5 years I was with S. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve. So when I told them what happened, it’s no surprise that by the end of my story, they’ve called S some very undesirable nicknames. Well, fine, maybe because they were trying to be my friend by comforting me but I’ll take it. This wasn’t the first time I heard it because almost most of my friends (both ladies and the men), have told me the same thing – calling him more undesirable names which I won’t repeat here. Even one of his bestfriend told me with confidence, the same thing. Made me feel damn good that I made the move sometimes. I guess I needed that reiteration although I won’t go so far to call him some of the names which they’ve bestowed on him.
When all these things are being thrown to you, there is a piece of me which got pissed because if these friends of mine are seeing these things, why am I not seeing it? I should feel some form of anger or rage.
Maybe because I don’t feel that anger will change what had happened?
Maybe because rage won’t do me any good?
Maybe because I have had so much rage in the past that it hurt the people I love?
Maybe because I was just happy that it was finally over?
Or maybe, just maybe it’s because I’ve really forgiven him and would just like to move on with my own life?
All just maybes.
Take that rage, put it on a page. Take the page to the stage, blow the roof off the place.
How apt. That’s what I’ve been doing all these while. I’ve been focussing on everything tangible; like work and friends. Work took a soaring turn when we won a $1.5 million account just before the New Year. I’ve been spending more time with my friends and getting to know them better and a close friend of mine told me that “you look happy” just last weekend. I guess I don’t need any validation from anyone anymore. I don’t need to be angry, sad or emotionless because my life now depends on me and how I turn everything bad into something positive for myself.