The Breakup Advice

I’ve been terribly busy with work that I’ve begun to neglect this blog. That’s not a good sign. I’ve often told myself that when I start to neglect things, it can only mean 2 things; 1. I’ve begun to neglect things which are important to me and 2. Something has got to give since this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. So, I did the second option. I’m leaving this current place of work. It’s more of a career choice rather than a push.

When I took this current job, it was with a sound mind that I spoke to the ex that I would like a more balanced lifestyle since I should be slowing down seeing that we would like to eventually ‘settle down’. Of course, that didn’t work out. I hang around this place for a bit, soared with flying colors when the relationship failed. I went to Tokyo, received the ‘Best Employee’ on my report card and even won 1-2 big businesses for the Agency. When your personal life plummeted, your work life will definitely go up.

Yesterday, I read a great article which will really help everyone who is trying to get over a breakup. It’s written by Akirah Robinson. Hit her blog up. There are other awesome writings as well.

3 Things You Must Do After a Breakup Before Dating Anyone New

This might be the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever confessed on the Internet, but here goes: For the past 10 years of my life, I’ve suffered from single-phobia, a fear of being single. 

Single-phobia is what kept me in a toxic relationship for almost four years. After ending that relationship, it led me to date some pretty inattentive men. I thought that if I couldn’t find a new relationship (and fast) after my breakup, something had to be wrong with me. Here’s the problem with that: Dating so much left little time for me to do the three things I actually needed to do before jumping into a new relationship: heal, process, and grow.

Grieving the loss of a relationship is not fun, but the healing that results is totally worth it. Now, I know what you’re thinking, because I’ve had the same thought: I thought I could bypass all the pain and heartache by distracting myself with other men. Each failed relationship that followed only added to the pain I felt and confused me even more.

Eventually I learned that it is not time that heals all wounds but our willingness to face and address the pain of those wounds. If I could go back in time, I’d deal with the pain of my breakup head-on: I’d let myself cry when I needed to cry, and I’d start therapy even sooner. Doing those two things alone contributed more toward my healing than any rebound ever could.

It’d be very easy for me to blame my ex for everything that went wrong in our relationship and call it a day. And though he did plenty wrong throughout our four years together, I was no angel either. In hindsight I can see that our biggest weaknesses fed off of each other. My desperation and his control simply were not a good match.

That’s why it’s important to take some time after a breakup to process the events of the relationship and better understand what went wrong (in a real, unbiased way). In what ways did you mess up? Do you need to forgive him—or yourself? If this person treated you badly, what attracted you to him or her in the first place? Answering questions like these can help you to start seeing the relationship as it actually was and not just as you imagined it to be. It’s also the first step in breaking any unhealthy relationship habits you’ve adopted (and might be unknowingly repeating).

When a relationship ends, it’s common to find yourself with a lot more time on your hands. This can be scary in many ways, but it can also be fun, if you let it.

Once I stopped distracting myself from my pain by dating anyone with a pulse, my life changed dramatically. I had to entertain myself, so I ran a 10K, started graduate school, got promoted at work, moved into my own apartment, and started wearing my hair in an awesome Afro. Allowing myself to be single for the first time in years freed up the space and energy I needed in my life in order to accomplish some amazing things. In fact, it prompted me to grow and change as a person in ways that only a painful experience sometimes can.

Each one of us is unique in the ways we heal, process, and grow. Sometimes it takes months to heal from a breakup, and sometimes you can bounce back in weeks. No matter where you fall on this spectrum, what’s most important is that you don’t skip any of the above steps. This way, when you start dating again, you are doing so from a place of wholeness—not desperation or single-phobia. Allow yourself to heal from your breakup, process what went wrong during your relationship, and grow into a better person (because that’s the real benefit of relationships of any kind). These aren’t the easiest things to do, but they are crucial. And a healthy love life is well worth the work.

For me, it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee (or green tea for my case). I’m ready, world. Let the dating game begins!


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