I am a survivor of depression.
I don’t talk outrightly about it nowadays but when I sense the symptoms in others, I will talk to them about it. It was a long and tedious process to get to the end goal, which is to go back to being normal but boy would I not wish for it to happen to anyone.
I never knew when it started but looking back, I realised it’s after my parents got divorced. It was all sudden. I was on a business trip in Kuala Lumpur when my dad called to say that my mom had asked him for a divorce. I’ve told him that I would speak to my mom when I returned. The weekend when I returned, I couldn’t find my mom and didn’t get the chance to speak to her and then had to fly off that Sunday evening to Sydney for another business trip. That Wednesday, mom called me to say that she has filed for the divorce and there was no turning back. I was devastated. I didn’t even get to try to stop the divorce from happening.
Initially, I tried to brush it off by telling myself that I’m just sad, so I swept all my feelings under the rug. In the months which passed by, I was full of rage and anger with everyone and at everything which was not going my way. I then met a guy who decided to cheat on me. That didn’t help and everything went downhill from there. I saw myself as a failure.
Depression is so damn hard to deal with.
How do you bounce back when you can’t fix anything? I lost so much weight because I lost all my appetite. I was angry with everyone. I screamed at my supervisor and hated my job. I couldn’t sleep either. Or when I do sleep, I just don’t bother to wake up. I got help from a friend to give me sleeping pills. There were so many times when I contemplated suicide. Just too many times. My mom didn’t know what to do with me while my brother was going through the same thing, on his own.
There were days where I can stay in a darken room and stare at the ceiling. I’ll cry for being stupid and hopeless. And there were times where I will ask God to just end my life there and then. I should just stop breathing. Just. Stop. Breathing. One Saturday, after waking up past afternoon, I got up and looked at myself in the mirror and cried. I cried so hard. My heart hurts. Everything hurts. I didn’t know what was happening. That’s when I decided to seek help.
And you can help too.
Know the warning signs of someone who is going through depression. Start listening. And if you’re already listening, start to listen more. Depressed people hide a lot of things. Behind a happy and smiling face. It’s embarrassing for them to admit it so don’t try to push it. Show empathy. Make eye contact, give them hugs and most importantly, stay patient. Being a friend is what they need. You can make a difference.
We can make a difference.
If you think that you are suffering or know of anyone who is suffering from depression, please seek help. Help is readily available. If you don’t know where to start, please drop me an email. I care. I really do.