Redha; Resigned

It has been a week since dad came out of the hospital. It was 2 weeks of sheer torment and stress for my brother and I. There were times where I thought I should just run away and hide under a rock. I just couldn’t deal with it but my parents raised us to be the strong people that we are, I faced it head on.

On Thursday, 19th November, dad had his first heart attack. He wasn’t able to breathe and the best thing was to send him to the hospital. After having a balloon angioplasty procedure, he was being sent home. 2 days after, on the 22nd November, he had another heart attack. I was already in Jakarta for work so couldn’t do much. My brother was in Los Angeles but I had to ask him to come back to Singapore to figure this out.

There were days when you just think that you’ve had enough of things and would just let it slide. I still do feel like that now. That’s what I was beginning to feel. I just wanted to stay in Jakarta on my own and let nature takes its course. I was just tired. Tired of the questions and tired of giving the answers. I just needed the time out, I still do need it.

And then the news came. My brother met the doctor. There is nothing they can do with dad. He just have to live with it. Because he has had a severe stroke before, his heart is already weakened. And now, with these 2 attacks, the heart weakens further. The only thing that they told us to do is to just take care of him, that’s all.

My brother took it the worst. I guess it’s because there is a sense of guilt in him because he never did spend enough time with dad. There is nothing anyone can do. Over the years, I have been living my life with no regrets when it comes to my parents. I provide where I can and spend the most I can with them. Life at this point, is about them. Never mind that I’m still single or work is a killer. My life stops when it comes to my parents. Even if death comes knocking tomorrow,  I will be ready and I hope my brother will too because I am not sure if I can be strong for the two of us.

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.

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